My sister, Wenxin, the dumbest yet the happiest person in the family, left us on 8th October morning a few days ago.
I saw it coming I guess, it was sooner or later. So did mum. But it still sucks knowing she's gone from our lives. On the other hand, her suffering has ended, as, we probably lost the happy Wenxin slowly the last couple of years and months leading to this, and more of one who was suffering and clinging on to her dear life.
Many fortunate things happen the last couple of days. I did not manage to see her one last time, I'm telling myself not to regret it, because, I might have shouted at her, and she might have stayed on if I couldn't bear to let her go, especially if I saw my mum in tears. As far as I know, I was the last person who spoke to her, right before her physiotherapy at 10am before I left. I gave her one last serious talk, or advise as the big brother, whom she feels should become an inspirational speaker sometimes. I'm glad I always get her, and she's the audience I need in the family sometimes.
I've told her, 'her life belongs to her, she has the right to choose whether she wish to live on, or go. If the suffering is really too much, and she don't want to fight it anymore, it's ok to let go. There isn't a right or wrong option, just her choice entirely.'
She understood it, and pumped her fist at me, signifying she'll fight, be strong. She left 17 hours later.
When I received a call from my mum, with her sobbing over the phone. I did not say much, and just went to the hospital straight away. On the car, I didn't know what happen, I felt like, I'd be able to see her one last time before she really leaves. Many question marks, especially on how I would feel when I see it. Another thought that came into my mind, was, why the fist pump earlier when this is happening?
It was a short trip, and unknowingly, I reached the ward, looking in, all lines on the monitor were flat. As usual, I didn't know what to feel. I stepped in, mum has calmed down, but obvious crying in the eye previously. I just felt bad leaving my mum alone dealing with it.
I looked at Wenxin one last time, touched her forehead. Bent down a little to look closely at her, without knowing what to do. I realised some of her features, her nose bridge having an obvious bump from ages ago that seemed more obvious, her face not swelling up badly anymore, and it was her prettiest face of the 5-6 weeks in hospital since September 1. She left peacefully according to mum, no struggles, no pain, just slept away and left when her time came.
Shortly after, Wenbin and dad arrived. Everyone was just quiet. I was strong, as always. And I had to say, it's a good thing, because according to my mum, her BP just slowed down, with her breathing, and left peacefully shortly after. I'm glad that my sister had taken my last message to her, and perhaps with the help of many others, like mum, the doctors and physios, the nurses who helped, it made her decision easier. I believe I have the bigger impact, because I am always going to be her big brother, one whom she listens to.
1 thing I remembered telling her shortly when she was still in the ward was, if in the near future, in her afterlife, she needs my advice again, I will gladly help her. But if somehow and someway, she becomes an enlightened being, please do help me if I ask her something, lols.
Went down for a cigarette, saw Jane. Asked her to come have a cigarette with me. Shernice was with her, and Shernice left after Jane asked her to go. Jane was the first person I tried comforting. I guess she can't really deal with it, but I guess time will do the rest.
There was also a flurry of people that really brought me to my limit and even further. Probably some of the dumbest people that will ever exist. I'll miss my sister because, we won't be able to bitch about these things anymore, lols. I'll remember them for a really long time, and they shall not be named.
Shortly after comforting Jane, we had to go up. I became the person-in-charge to take care of the processes. It was foreign to me, the experience, but something that no one should go through in their life. However, I'm glad it's me who did it, because I wouldn't bear Wenbin or my mother handling it. Dad is definitely out of the question, but I wouldn't want him to do it as well. Was told to sign papers, get her IC punched a hole, reading the papers that I signed, and realising what I've been signing, to acknowledge that my younger sister has left us. As usual, I respond slowly to feelings, and thus, it just felt confused and foreign.
In the afternoon, Wenxin came back to St George before 3pm. I had my head shaved nicely by Wenbin before that. Still no notable reaction at my end, guess I was just tired, as I didn't really sleep much. On the 7th morning, after I left the hospital, met a friend for beer and lunch at around 4.30pm, hung out till 11pm, worked and wasted some time with the current projects. Just lay down, watched some Rick and Morty or was it Fresh off the boat, and was just about to sleep, the phone rang and yea, the rest is history. So, it was a long day to start with, with some family pissing me off immediately by asking me dumb questions.
Sheena came shortly in the evening. Sheena was probably the one person who might be the most affected by this. Their friendship, insane, from secondary school days, and all the way till adulthood despite them having separate directions since 15. It's amazing, Sheena is a joy to have as well. In the past, seeing Sheena sometimes with my mum and Wenxin, it just felt like some dumb kids from '96 hanging out, but their friendship was really impressive. I'm really glad Wenxin has her as her best friend, one that lasted throughout her short, but busy and fruitful lifetime.
In the family, we had ample mental preparation, and seeing the pain and suffering Wenxin had to go through the last couple of weeks since September, I had to reiterate to everyone in the family, it was a good thing for Wenxin to go. It signifies the end of her suffering, and wherever she goes from now, it will definitely be somewhere better. Sheena, on the other hand, did not have the mental preparation. She wasn't ready, and as each other's best friend, I don't think I'll be able to imagine what it feels like, ever. I hope I won't have to experience it, but I'll be happy to do what I can to help Sheena nonetheless.
Shortly after Wenxin passed on in the morning, we had created a Instagram and Facebook post, notifying her friends of her demise. I made myself the point of contact, and messages started flooding in after 8am, right after I was done with her death certificate and other relevant procederes. On top of my head, it feels like I already know what needs to be done, and what I need to do for things to happen. I wanted her friends from all walks of life, those that she's connected with on social media, to come into the funeral, and treat it as a reunion together, as a clique, class, CCA, or whichever activity and opportunity that managed to bring all of them together with Wenxin.
There was also safe-distancing still applied in Singapore, dumb Covid. Will talk about it later in the year if I remember it. So, there was a limit of 30 personnel to attend. I was ready to 'stretch' it to 50 and take calculated risks. To my surprise, a good one that made me really panic a while, at 8 or 9pm, we easily had 70 heads attending the wake. Amidst the panic shared by myself and Wenbin, some interesting sights were observed. Such as the crazy big primary school table, where everyone was catching up with one another. The secondary school form teacher who came, and mingled well with his class whom he last taught 10 years ago. The guys from the temple that helped my sister throughout. Some of my dad's friend whom really wasn't relevant but contributing to the problem of having more than 70 heads in the wake. I think the situation on got slightly better after 10pm. It was a calculated risk indeed, but the reward, was the scenes I've seen. How impresive was Wenxin, being able to bring so many people together. I know what is overrated and underrated clearly in life, whatever happened on the first night, was simple amazing, and no way was it overrated. I'm proud of Wenxin in that aspect, and I'm sure Wenbin and myself gave her one of the best thing we can give her for one last time.
On the second night, the guys from the TEACH program showed up, 19 of them to be exact, wearing dark coloured clothes out of respect. It was a crazy sight, and they were creating some sort of photo collage for my family, with our permission beforehand. Again, breaching the safe distancing rules. But not that bad on the second night. The photo collage was really impressive, and really a gift that my family would need moving forward, remembering the life of Wenxin.
I was also told by my mum, that I'll need to shout her name loudly when we're at the most painful part of every funeral's procedere, the part where her coffin gets mechanically pushed into the furnace. I couldn't hold it in, it was bad thinking about it, but something I know that needs to be done.
Earlier in the afternoon, I just had the sudden feel, to go up to our unit, and take a look at Wenxin's room. I guess, I was seeking for some sort of closure, or affirming to myself that, my sister had left. It was just confusing. When I was in the room, I just couldn't really find anything belonged to Wenxin that resonates strongly, I saw some mails with the hospital logos and her name, a bag of clothes of hers, and when I turned, I saw a photo of myself, Wenbin and my mum carrying Wenxin. The photo was old, the frame was damaged and thus, the photo was damaged as well. That photo was there for a really long time, decades easily. I look at it sometimes when Wenxin isn't at her best, or wasn't at home. I'd just randomly walk around the house, since I moved out a couple of years back. Coming back to Wenbin's room I decided to sit down on the floor, as I remembered where the photos of us when we were kids were kept. I just browsed through the photo albums, all of different times, some with me alone, mostly I'd say. I had a good 3 years before Wenbin came along in my life. Some with Wenbin, and the remaining, with all 3 of us when we were kids. Emotions came up slowly, and I finally broke down like I should, when a photo of all 3 of us queuing on top of a slide, at the old playground downstairs of Block 3. I don't cry, can't remember the next time I cried even since I was a kid, probably 12 was the last time I cried, or even 11. Nonetheless, it was a short cry, just a couple of minutes. The tears just came out from my eyes, like a tap draining out an almost empty well. Had some nasal block from it, and it just feels better. I was alone, nobody was home. I think I made the right call, going up, and I think I needed it. To feel real, or just feel something. Had a quick shower, made my way back down.
I was just glad, and made sure Wenbin feel the same way as well, we did the best thing for our sister in her lifetime, by creating the lovely sights of her friends coming down and see her one last time, and the groups coming together and enjoy catching up with one another. No doubt, tears were shed, but it was easily overshadowed by the joy and laughter at the wake. It was surprisingly well, and I don't think I've done something so successfully before in my life.
Came the final day, where we have to send Wenxin to the crematorium, which signifies the end of her life with us, and proceeding on to the next phase. The hardest day or all, one filled with emotions. It was one which I had to try and protect for Wenxin. I think I did fine, not great or good, but fine. I made sure irrelevant people are not going, since my mum won't be attending as well. It's for the best I guess, as it's really the hardest part of sending somebody off, and with the chinese tradition of not sending the younger generation off. I placed Sheena in charged of the friends who should go, and invited them. I made it a point, if a cousin wish to attend, they will be given a spot definitely. We're not that close with the cousins we have in Singapore, but quite a few of them attended. I'm not thankful for that, I wasn't sure if they really wanted to attend, or did they attend because being told to, other than Lester and Kellyn, whom I will be grateful for the remaining days of my life. It really sucks, and this is the biggest blemish. Other than that, some cousins from Malaysia came along as well, and I'm sure all of them, they came with their heart. More would have wanted to come I'm sure, but damn the Covid-19. Her close friends came as well. I think that was more important, and I'm just glad. But still, the blemish is a big one, something I'll never forget I hope.
Finally, the moment is here. I gave Irah a call, so that she can be with us to send Wenxin off. I'm glad I did it. It was important for Irah to be a part of the family. When I was told by Mum to shout at Wenxin, we did a few run through with Wenxin the night before, with Wenbin, Sheena and Xiaohui together. I instructed Wenxin, 'Listen to your big brother one last time, when I shout 梁文欣! 火要来了，快点跑! Do not look back, and just run.' I further instructed the rest of them. Give it a one last good shout, no tears and nasal blocks, so Wenxin can hear us clearly one last time. We can cry our hearts out later.
Everyone agreed, and understood. We shouldn't cry, because Wenxin might just feel sad, turn back, see everyone in tears, and leave feeling sad, and having 'unfinished business'.
However, in the morning. I gave it a thought, knowing how dumb Wenxin might be, and how she might want to do certain things her way. I proposed another method for her in the morning. I told Wenxin, I'll let her turn her head and see us one last time, but she has to turn back, and move ahead once everyone asks her to run. That morning, we knew, was going to be the last time we get to spend time with my youngest sister. And so, Wenbin and myself spent as much time as we could with her, saying everything we can say, casually, like how we do sometimes when we're home. I remembered telling Wenxin, if we're all given another lifetime, I'd be happy to be her big brother again if possible. That was when Wenbin shouted, saying that he saw her nod. I wasn't focused then, as I was just pouring my heart out to her and Wenbin, the final moments between the 3 of us. A few things I've said as well, was, I'm sure we'll meet one another again,
不要紧，有缘还会再见，我觉得我们有缘，会再见到的。
& 记得我跟你讲的，记得跑。
& 如果你以后想问我什么，你还是可以来问我，but，如果你变得比我聪明的话，我需要answers的时候，你要来帮我。
As the moment approached to leave St Geoge and head to the crematorium. I was calm. We had to do some final rituals. Tears welled up in the eyes for a while, but it was controllable. I told my mum 2 times, with Wenbin around as well. Leave Wenxin to us now, you've done enough, let us deal with the rest. My mum replied, 照顾好妹妹。Before heading out, I told mum and dad separately again the same thing. I hoped it helped them, I'm not sure, but it might have been helpful.
As we walked out slowly, behind the van and Wenxin, I just muttered loudly, but voice unclear for the message to be heard by Wenbin beside me. I muttered, '梁文欣！跟mummy讲byebye!'. My eyes was welling with tears, but nothing came out.
An hour later, we head for the most painful and dreaded part of the funeral. My voice wasn't at 100% as I wished, but it was at 95%. As planned, I'm the first person to shout at Wenxin, because I will always shout at her, and that'll give her a shock, and that is when I know, I have her attention. Did that since we were kids, and did it one last time. As I shouted what I was supposed to, I could hear Xiaohui, Sheena and even Shernice. Wenbin did not shout, he was looking down, holding on to the phone for me as Irah was watching from the video call.
I always thought, I'm going to breakdown right after I shouted. I knew I saw Wenxin standing in front of her coffin. As I shouted, I was waiting to see her turn back. To my surprise, by the time the last of Jane, Sheena and Shernice's voice was heard, she had already left, and without turning back. I let out a small cry, but there was more glad, and relief, than grief. Wenxin, showed everyone a side that most of her friends might not know about. Her determination and grit, ingrained in her character since she was born, and oozed out once in a while when she was fighting for everything in her life, was displayed throught the last act. Wenxin did not take up the final option I offered her, and moved on, steadily in a steadfast manner, like the fist pump she signalled to me after I spoke to her the very last time when I spoke to her.
That was when I realised, the question I asked on that very morning when Wenxin passed, 'why would she signal a fist pump that signified she will 加油 and fight, and leave 17 hours earlier.' was answered. That fist pump, was her meaning that, she will be strong. And she showed that at the moment, when she did not turn back, and just walked towards where she should go next. I've never been prouder of Wenxin. I've always been proud of her, academically, and the things she do for the kids in Chen Su Lan Methodist home for the kids, and I don't say that I'm proud of her. But, that very instance when she did not turn back, I was sad, that I'm really losing my sister this time round, but I was happier, I finally see the best of Wenxin, and I'm really glad for her. There was no intense crying from then on, not from Sheena, Jane, or even Wenbin and myself. It just meant that, I saw what I saw. We would have felt it if she turned back, and that would have been a really upsetting moment for everyone. That was not the case, Wenxin showed how strong she was, and nobody can ever take that away from her. I knew I had to share that with everyone at home. The bus ride was irritating, because I could hear people talking. It was the only blemish because I could recognise who was talking, and it will continue irritate me for a long time.
Once we're home, I had to look for Mum immediately and tell her that. But upon alighting, I was greeted by a bunch of people that I'd really not want to see. Boy, the last few days was tough. But it was just a short 5 mins before they were all gone. I'm back in #05-103, with everyone whom I want to see. I had to tell my Mum what I saw the first moment I had the opportunity, I did, and I can sense the small happiness in my Mum's eyes.
As everything comes to an end, a new life without Wenxin in the OG family, but it feels like, a new family is gained, through the bonds held together by my dumb sister. I remember the night before, after having our Macdonald supper, I was seated with Shernice, Sheena and Xiaohui. Hearing the conversation, it reminds me of Wenxin, and reminds me of how she used to be bothered by the problems of others and her friends. It was when I realised, I still have alot of 'big brother' in me, for others that Wenxin cares about. I felt sorry, because, I'm worried I will be a better and kinder 'big brother' for others as compared to Wenxin. I decided to leave shortly after, and head up to sleep shortly after, after telling Sheena I had enough of her bullshit. However, I think it'll be nice, if I'll be able to listen to Shernice, Sheena and Jane as the big brother, and perhaps, if I'm able to help them, I'm be able to repay the kindness they showed Wenxin when I wasn't around, or when I wasn't kind enough to her before. More importantly, there is still plenty of 'big brother' left in me. Despite my hate for dealing with idiots, I still have enough space to deal with some whom I care about, and I'm sure Wenxin would like that as well. Who knows, I might just blow at them like how I blew at Wenxin in the past so that they learn, but in any case, I hope that if and when the opportunity comes, I'll be able to help the 'younger sisters' I've gained, thanks to Wenxin.
Wenbin will be badly affected. On the first day, I knew I wanted to keep Wenxin's important documents, because it was really tough for me handling them. However, I left Wenxin's IC in Wenbin's room. He should keep it. Sheena reminded me about Wenbin, which reminds me that, Wenbin might actually need it more than me. Wenbin shares a great deal of his life with Wenxin, things and memories I might not know about because I was in school, while they were still toddlers, or when I moved out living my life and chasing after what I want and acheived. I knew I was envious about Teletubbies, because they got to watch it together, and I could only watch hints of it on Friday evening when school ended slightly earlier. It was a really dumb show, but I guess, I just wanted to spend time with the 2 of them all the time. And that was when I guess, I became the big brother, because I will always experience different things as compared to them with the age difference. And with the both of them, I was able to be the big brother at different stages of their life.
I will also remember the countless of things that we did to upset her, and bullied her, from hiding her stuffs, to damaging her toys, the chokeslams. Well Wenxin, if you ever read this, that's just the tradeoff for having 2 great brothers, lol.
As of now, I'm still grieving. I think it'll take some time getting used to for myself and my family. But time will heal everything, or rather help us adjust. I appreciate everyone and I'd like to mention them below. There are many more that I've spoken to, and really appreciate it. I'll make sure all feelings are made known to them personally, other than the medical staffs which I don't have their contacts.
Wesley -
The last couple of months was crazy, having experiences that I thought I wouldn't go for. I guess, having Wesley around was the best prep I had, as we were able to speak freely under influence. Crying became ok, and life as it is, is too much. We mere humans, know nothing. Not even close.
Mrs. Tong -
Mrs Tong was one of the most important teachers we had in our life. All 3 of us were taught by her, after school in her small tuition class at her mum's place. Very good old memories, and I'm really glad I get to see Mrs Tong, and I'm certain, Wenxin was glad to see her as well. The 3 of us will not be where we are today without her instilling another sense of discipline, and also making us learn to love our work, and build up our self-esteem through the results we get for ourselves in school, and later, in life.
Mr Eugene Ang -
I never had good impression of teachers. Like I used to tell Wenxin when she raves about her lecturers on how impressive they are. And I just said, ' Lecturers are professionals who can't cut it in their industry, and thus had to resort to teaching as a living. If one was successful in his or her field, why would he or she want to consider teaching?'
However, Mr Ang was something special. He came, paid his respects, looked at Wenxin one last time, all the way with his eyes red and filled with tears. I could sense that he cares, and I deeply appreciate it, and happily shared stories of Wenxin with him.
He was also able to communicate with the other students and classmates of Wenxin. The table lit up in my eyes, and it was a really amazing sight.
The doctors, nurses, therapists accompanying her in her final days -
Short and sweet here. It takes passion to do what they do. It wasn't easy for them. They made Wenxin happy in her final days despite the pain and suffering she has to go through, but I guess, Wenxin really had something that brings people together.
The new 'sisters' & Xiaohui -
Xiaohui and myself was the closest when we were kids and grew up later. We spent a great deal of time together when we were kids. Something happened a couple of years back, and I don't speak to her much anymore from then on. I guess this time round, I'm ready to bury it for good. I hope it's not too late.
Wenxin often tells me about Shernice and of course, about Sheena whenever there was an update. I'll be happy to show some 'big brother' to the 2 of them. I think they'll benefit from it, and I hope I'll do right by them, especially for Sheena.
The guys at the temple with my dad -
I can clearly see them being upset that, they can't save Wenxin one last time. Even though whatever they did spiritually, had a 99% chance of success rate usually according to my Mum, this time round, even though Wenxin left, that success rate should not be a blemish to them. I'm happy that they failed, because there would come a point in Wenxin's life, when they can't do as much as they want to. Life is a gift, but for Wenxin's case, it became less of a gift as time goes, and when she was plagued by the illness. As far as I'm concerned, they did not fail Wenxin, but it actually allowed Wenxin to choose, and live according to her own terms.
Mum
My mother is the strongest person I've know in my life. With hardships, poverty and many situations that seemed helpless when we were younger, she was able to carry the family, with her 3 kids in all situations. I have a fantastic memory and I have memories from 2, or even before then. I can still remember how fucked up it was when my aunt put me in a dress and took photos. My mum explained, they just wanted to make sure the dress fits the girl, as the girl and myself was of the same size then. And of course I'll know of all the shitty things we have to go through, before Wenbin and Wenxin knew or understood many things. It really wasn't easy, and it allowed me to develop this hard character as well, that serves me well and helped me in my career, especially when the going gets tough. We've been through tougher things, and it makes every tough situation that comes in my way a 6 or 7 at best when it comes to the difficulty. Nothing is too difficult. Everything is going to be fine, if it isn't it only means it's not over yet.
With Wenxin, I would've liked my Mum to be tougher, but it was not possible with her small head and innocence, yet sometimes, the stubborness that comes along with it. And thus, I became the harsh brother I am right now, especially to Wenxin. I'm sure it helped her along the way in her life.
In any case, Mum, again, as usual, showed her toughness, when we agreed that, when the time comes, we'll be happy to let Wenxin go. It wasn't an easy decision, or a consensus to come to, but if anyone who could do it, it is, and will always be my mother.
She makes tough decisions and lives with the consequences no matter what, and I'm glad I got that from her. It's not great, but you know, this quality is needed greatly to have a successful life. I'm thankful for my mum, for teaching me the ways of life as it should be from a young age, and giving me the flair and talent to understand many things easily, from the matters of the heart, to the way of life. And of course, for making everything easier for me in every aspect of my life, from not forcing me to get a job and never hindering me working on things that might not result in anything with my early startups or other choices I made in life, and this time round, letting Wenxin leave peacefully, and of course, allowing me to take control, which allows my Mum to slowdown and not require to harden up as the going gets tough with me around to hold the fort in front of her when it matters the most.
