It's 4.20am now. Weird sunday night/monday morning, just checked if I spelled 'weird' correctly and I'm glad I did.
Actually it's not weird, it's just that I miss my dumb sister on Sunday nights, for some reason I don't know why. Perhaps it's the weekend, and I honestly enjoy going out with my family sometimes ever since life got better few years back. We'd go out and have dinners once in a while, hanging out with Mum and Wenxin, most of the time, Wenbin would be with us as well, and once in a while Dad.
Wenxin had left us for slightly more than 2 months now. Still learning to live life without her, especially when I'm home with Mum on most afternoons these days.
It was Dad's birthday today. We just had a simple dinner downstairs, with his favourite 'Shernice' and Xiaohui. Wenbin was out working. But well, we had a good traditional dinner of 鸡蛋面线 last weekend on my Dad's lunar birthday. Everyone was around, Sheena, Shernice, Xiaohui, and even Wenbin chose to stay home last Sunday. I was just on my computer, working on the decentralised casino at the hall, while everyone was talking, especially the girls. Chatty, irritating to be honest, but I enjoyed the liveliness of the house.
Somehow, I just miss my little sister so much tonight. Guess I'm just reacting slowly to what happened, and it's hitting me a little tonight. A little bit of water formed in my eyes, and it just felt slightly better when I read my last post. Who knows, an action I did on '07 by starting this blog still helps on this very day. Need to find a way to make sure this thing stays on forever, at least till I die. And maybe I'd let somebody read it before I die. I might let Wesley read this someday. Or maybe my kids if I do have them in future. I'd like to show Irah, but she probably won't understand what I've wrote anyway, lols.
Few weeks back was worse, when I decided to pop in half dose of LSD. That night was horrible. I had no one to talk to, Wesley was aslept by then, Wenbin asked me to shout up, and I only had Himanshu. It was a good call, and made the LSD effect better when I'm using my brain. Lucky it was just half a dose. But before the call to Himanshu, it was just horrible at home. I guess, I just wanted to see my sister that night. Or I wanted to experience something else. Can't exactly remember.
In any case, it's different at home these days. I want to spend all my time with my mum, while I work on my ideas as usual, and sitting at my working spot in the living room. My mum will fall asleep, hugging her Ipad on the couch. And once in a while, I'll sweep and mop the floor at 6pm to get some work out. I'm not sure how will I be able to leave my mum alone in afternoons like this, with her alone.
Sometimes we'll talk about my sister, and other times, our usual things. I can communicate with my mum like a friend, and I'm glad about it. But the missing Wenxin can be felt. Like Wenxin telling my Mum the song title Mum just heard on the radio, when she asks Wenxin what song is that. Wenxin will go look for it, and tell her the song name and the artist. I did the same thing this afternoon, hearing a song from Alien Huang, my sister's favourite singer, I guess? Or one of her favs.
It just feels weird, even for myself. I miss talking to her sometimes in the afternoon alone, before my mum comes back home. And as I mentioned on top, the dinner outings we have.
Sheena coming over will help once in a while. But I guess, everyone has their own life. I'd like Sheena to come over more frequently, but at the same time, I'm glad that she's not, because it might just mean that she's trying to move on to greater things in life that's planned for her.
I guess all of us will need more time and slowly move on.
We had discussions on moving out, and hopefully I'll be able to buy my Mum's dream home so we can all stay together. But at the same time, I'm concerned that Wenxin will not be able to come back to the house she grew up in anymore in future. I knew she came back on Day 7 and Day 49. Day 49 was hard, and I had to ask Mum to bid her farewell, because Wenxin really couldn't bear to leave the house. Somehow, I knew it long ago, that Wenxin coming back on Day 49 wasn't really the best idea, but well, we humans know too little. But I guess if and when I'm gone, I may or may not wish to come back on Day 49. I might just want to move on, but who knows, I've only experienced 29 years of life till date.
In any case, it's really tough. I'm lucky, I get to bury myself with the next big thing I have in life, but for my Mum, I hope by being around, I made it easier for her. I'm not too sure about Wenbin, but I guess he's coping it via the escape mechanism(just googled, that's a thing). I met Sherman earlier this week, and caught up with him over 3 cups of coffee and tea. He did mentioned about the experience he had when his Mum passed, and how his family reacted, like his Dad never talks about his Mum anymore, and they just avoid the topic totally. That's when I understand what Wenbin was doing. And I can accept that, everyone is just made and wired differently, more so between Wenbin and myself.
I can't emphasize enough, it's really tough. I'm thinking, when I'm done with the decentralised casino planning, and after raising the funds required for initial operations, I'd throw a party, and invite just Wesley. I'd love to talk to him while getting under some influence.
It's tough handling the loss of Wenxin, and my slow reactions to feelings are slowly kicking in now.
So many things I've thought about, like setting up the decentralised casino to take care of myself, Irah and my family, and also help the temple, which was one of Wenxin's wishes. Well, she wanted to write a book, and proceeds go to the Temple, but I guess, with a casino, we might be able to generate more money, and I'm not an author exactly, and I don't know all her stories, how she felt and so on. Guess the 5 years advantage I have over her, and business sense kicks in now, lols.
I'd like to name my kids after Wenxin as well, so we can all remember her kindness, and the joy that she brought to my life, and the family. 欣 is not a difficult word to come up with a name I guess. I think I'll do it.
So many stories, of the dreams of people about Wenxin, from Wenxin visiting Sheena and hanging out with her one last time, and my Dad saying that in his dream, Wenxin becomes a man now, Irah dreaming about her having a son. Mum had a weird dream as well that didn't make sense, lols. I've not dreamt about Wenxin. But I've always not remembered my dreams when I wake up, so yea.
I think I'm feeling slightly better now. It's almost 5am. I know my sister is at a better place now, and I'll be happier if I know she's not missing us.
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